Infatuation

According to the dictionary, the word infatuation is defined as ‘an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something’. In many cases however, such infatuation is not short-lived but remains present in a person’s life. It can hide itself within the breasts of mankind for a long period and just when a person thinks it has gone, it can resurface. This will be explained further in due course insha Allah.


It is important at this stage to recognise the difference between merely liking and admiring someone and become infatuated upon someone. When a person merely likes another person, it is just a way of expressing his fondness towards the characteristics or beauty of the person whom he is keen upon. This is quite normal and is felt in many people whether they like to admit it or not. For example, a person may have a work colleague who is really helpful and as a result, that person develops a liking for his colleague's kind nature. Also, a person may have a classmate who is extremely beautiful and by acknowledging her beauty, he may begin to develop a liking for her too. However, this liking remains at a very mellow stage and becomes a ‘want’ rather than a ‘need’.


A ‘want’ is simply something a person would like to have; if he receives it then he is happy and makes use of it till he renders it useless and if he does not receive it, he is briefly disappointed but moves on. A ‘need’ however is something a person must have in order to give himself raahat and peace; if he receives it then he does not want to let it go and if he does not receive it, his heart is in constant ache.


This second type is primarily what ‘infatuation’ is. It is an obsession of such a nature that it traumatises the mind and punishes the heart inhumanely. When a person is ‘infatuated’ upon something, his life becomes unbearable until his obsession is acquired. It is true enough to say that infatuation has different degrees. Some people are affected by it greatly to the extent that there entire life revolves around their fixation and others are affected for only a specific portion of their life and as soon as that time has departed, so too has the fixation. The latter can be exemplified by the situation of a person who is popular in college. Girls may be fixated upon his flash style and his handsome face all year round but as soon as he departs, the fascination these girls felt will also go. This is because he is no longer in view.


Shah Waliullah Dehlwi rahimahullah narrates a hadith in his Arba’in, “Your love for someone can blind you and deafen you.” Infatuation can be on many things. It can be upon following life in certain ways, using specific methods, it can be an intense interest in an enemy etc. Here we will take about the infatuation which is felt in a person when he likes another.


For a person to be infatuated on another person, love and admiration must have entered his heart at some point which stops him from moving on. This is seen quite explicitly in the story of Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam which is mentioned in the Qur’an. The story is a long, detailed one but in brief, Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam was a man of immense beauty and great conduct. The wife of the leader of Egypt (Zuleikha is her name) at that time became infatuated upon Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam and loved him dearly. She was so adamant in starting a relationship with him that she sought to seduce him into committing fornication. Being such a great Nabi of Allah Ta’ala, Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam refused. These events somehow spread throughout the land and the women began gossiping and ridiculing Zuleikha. Zuleikha felt hard done by as nobody except her had witnessed the great beauty and jamaal of Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam. As a result, she organised a banquet wherein Yusuf alayhis salam was put forth in front of the women. They were also given knives and fruit in their hand but when they saw the beauty of Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam, they cut their hands. As a result, Hazrat Yusuf alayhis salam was falsely dubbed as a menace to society and was consequently put into prison. He stayed in prison for seven years. It is mentioned by Maulana Hifzurrahman Syuhari rahimahullah, “Once Yusuf alayhis salam was taken into prison, Zuelikha totally took him out of her mind.” For several years, Zuleikha continued with her life and it appeared that she had moved on during this time. The flame of intense love and affection she had for Yusuf alayhis salam appeared to have burnt out. However, after seven years, his name was mentioned in her presence and the infatuation she had rekindled itself and the flame of her love once more began to burn brightly in her heart.


The leader of Egypt began an inquiry as to see what really happened with regards to Yusuf alayhis salam. He wanted to clear Hazrat Yusuf’s alayhis salam name and so he began his ‘trial’. When his name was mentioned in front of Zuleikha, the truth of her infatuation became apparent and she crumbled. After years of being so distant from the one she loved the most, the pangs of separation could no longer be hidden. She immediately admitted her fault and that she was to blame. The Qur’an mentions,

قَالَ مَا خَطۡبُكُنَّ إِذۡ رَٲوَدتُّنَّ يُوسُفَ عَن نَّفۡسِهِۦ‌ۚ قُلۡنَ حَـٰشَ لِلَّهِ مَا عَلِمۡنَا عَلَيۡهِ مِن سُوٓءٍ۬‌ۚ قَالَتِ ٱمۡرَأَتُ ٱلۡعَزِيزِ ٱلۡـَٔـٰنَ حَصۡحَصَ ٱلۡحَقُّ أَنَا۟ رَٲوَدتُّهُ ۥ عَن نَّفۡسِهِۦ وَإِنَّهُ ۥ لَمِنَ ٱلصَّـٰدِقِينَ
He (the king) said, “What was your case, O women, when you seduced Yusuf?” They said, .God forbid, we know of no evil in him.” The governor‘s wife said, “Now the truth has come to light. I did seduce him, and he is surely truthful.”

My most dearest and most beloved Hazrat Maulana Abdur Rahim Sahib (May Allah Ta'ala preserve him and reward him in abundance) writes a beautiful explanation to this verse in his tafseer Ahsan al Qasas. He says,


“Zuleikha stood on one side and listened to the replies of the women and acknowledged the innocence and high principles of Yusuf alayhis salam. When they finished, she began, “Now the truth has come to light”. She did not mince her words. Rather she accepted her guilt freely and frankly. She adored Yusuf alayhis salaam in every sense, in words and deed and she wanted the truth to be proclaimed in the open court, before all. So what had happened to her then? She had learnt a lot in sorrow, pain and humiliation. She had learnt the vanity of carnal love. Yusuf alayhis salam, true of heart, calm in every turn of fortune, had taught her to question herself whether, in spite of all her sins she could yet be worthy of him? Perhaps when her husband was dead, and she was a widow. However, she must see whether she could understand love in the sense in which Yusuf alayhis salam would have her understand it, that pure surrender of the self, which is not tainted by earthly matters.” 


Thus as I mentioned before, infatuation is not short lived but can resurface at any time. Over here, we have the case of Zuleikha who has gone without Yusuf alayhis salam for years but at his mere return, she once again became dominated by feelings of burning love.


It is about this the poet says,

“Love refuses to hide, although I have tried to conceal it at countless times.
It just returns and settles itself in my courtyard.
When my yearning intensifies, my heart revolves around his remembrance.
Then when I want to get closer to my beloved, he himself draws closer to me.”

Yusuf alayhis salam was the ‘need’ that Zuleikha felt and by being in his company or around his matters, she felt great solace.


Now the question arises that in our day and age, is this type of infatuation on the opposite gender a good thing?


The simple answer is no. It does not befit the characteristics of a Muslim that he places matters of happiness and sadness upon the attention of a person whom he may not even spend the rest of his life. The effects of infatuation can cause many problems both spiritually and mentally. With regards to mentally, here are some;


· Constantly being self conscious – when a person becomes obsessed with someone, he naturally wants to look good in order to catch their eye. Thus he will always try to dress up and look good just in case he bumps into them.


· Feeling of being unattractive if ignored – when a person is ignored or not acknowledged by the person for whom they dressed up, they often feel very low in self esteem and feel unattractive. Sometimes a person may feel that he made such effort only to be blown away.


· Depression – when a person cannot even gain the attention of the person that they are infatuated upon, they begin to live a life of sorrow. Nothing feels worth doing if it is not done with the ‘beloved’.


· Sleepless nights – when a person is infatuated upon a person, he may often suffer sleepless nights just thinking about the other person. He may spend hours upon hours devising plans to be noticed or perhaps fantasize of a day when he is enjoying himself with his fixation.


· Unstable thoughts – A person may think up many ways of perhaps acquiring his obsession. This may lead to unstable and impure thoughts. A person may consider plotting against people or doing absurd things just in order to attain their desired one.


· Mood swings – when a person does not know what to think, he begins to have mood swings. Sometimes when things are going fine, he is in the happiest of moods but at other times he may be extremely depressed. This can perhaps be sparked by small gestures from their ‘beloved’. For example, if the ‘beloved’ merely glances with a smile at them, it may send them in to ecstasy. On the other hand, if the ‘beloved’ glances at them coldly or speaks sharply, they may feel extreme sorrow.


· Anger – when things are not going right and all else is failing. A person tends to get frustrated and begins to bish, bash, bosh.


· Loss of appetite – a person cannot eat despite being hungry. He is constantly in thought of his ‘desired one’. For as long as he feels the pains of separation, he cannot enjoy the other ni’mats and bounties of life.


From among the spiritual ailments are the following:


· Laziness in worship – when a person hits such a sorrowful state, he just does not like to do anything. It is easier to lie down on the bed then to make dua to Allah Ta’ala and thus there will be much negligence in prayer and Qur’an. Sometimes, when a person does not have thing he wants most, everything else feels useless to perform.


· Loss of trust in Allah Ta’ala – when a person does not get what he wants, he begins to question Allah Ta’ala and feel that Allah Ta’ala has deprived him. When his entire life is being shattered, he begins to question what Allah Ta’ala has done for him! May Allah Ta’ala protect us all.


· Increase in disobedience – as a result of this loss of trust, a person begins to commit sins and feels more inclined towards disobedience. A sister who may not be getting noticed by the person whom she is infatuated upon may take off her hijab in order to lure him to her. Due to the pain the heart is feeling, a person may find solace in smoking, drugs, alcohol as it can temporarily numb the pain.


· Heavy heart – as a result of all this disobedience, the heart becomes stained and becomes heavy. A person feels constantly guilty with himself for the constant sin he has gotten himself into.

· Change in personality - when infatuation has affected a person so greatly, his personality begins to change. He become different to the man he once was in many ways. Many negative traints come inside him and his akhlaq (mannerisms) are hugely transformed. A person who was always bashful and cheerful may become miserable. One who was kind may feel stingy. One who always had time for others may push people away from him and the examples go on..

All the aforementioned point to one thing –such infatuation in Islam is forbidden.

P.S: This article is not mine, but probably written by  some knowledgeable and wise  Brother/Scholar. May Allah reward him abundantly.



You are In Infatuation when:

You see the other person as perfect

You want to get own needs met; selfish

You spend all your time with the other person

You can Quickly “fall” for the other person

All your Other relationships and friendships deteriorate

You are solely Dependant (emotionally) on the other person

You experience Jealousy frequently

Your relationship lasts for a short period of time

Distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship

Your Quarrels are serious and common

Your Quarrels can seriously damage the relationship

You are Truly in Love when:

You see the other person’s flaws and still loves them

You Want to think of your partner first before yourself; selfless

You still spend time with others-(your partner accepts YOUR personality and YOU)

You Take the time to build the relationship

Other relationships and friendships grow stronger

Trust and understanding results in less severe, less frequent or NO jealousy

You can encompass a long-term commitment

Your relationship survives and is strengthened because of distance

Your Quarrels are less serious and less often

Your infrequent Quarrels strengthen the relationship

                                                         

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (147): 

If love occurs for a reason that is not haraam, the person is not to be blamed, such as one who loved his wife or slave woman, then he separated from her but the love remained and did not leave him. He is not to be blamed for that. Similarly if there was a sudden glance then he averted his gaze, but love took hold of his heart without him meaning it to, he must, however, ward it off and resist it. End quote. 

But he must treat his heart by putting a stop to the effects of this love, and by filling his heart with love of Allaah and seeking His help in that. He should not feel too shy to consult intelligent and trustworthy people for advice or consult some doctors and psychologists, because he may find some remedy with them. In doing that he must be patient, seek reward, remain chaste and  keep quiet, and Allaah will decree reward for him in sha Allaah. 

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Majmoo’ al-Fataawa (10/133): 

If he is tested with love but he remains chaste and is patient, then he will be rewarded for fearing Allaah. It is known from shar’i evidence that if a person remains chaste and avoids haraam things in looking, word and deeds, and he keeps quiet about it and does not speak of it, so that there will be haraam talk about that, whether by complaining to another person or committing evil openly, or pursuing the beloved one in any way, and he is patient in obeying Allaah and avoiding sin, despite the pain of love that he feels in his heart, just as one who is afflicted with a calamity bears the pain of it with patience, then he will be one of those who fear Allaah and are patient, “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost” [Yoosuf 12:90]. End quote.